I'm Stressing!
I know I am stressed out when my brain starts ruminating over my to-do list instead of letting me fall asleep. Or, when I put the Cascade for the dishwasher in the refrigerator instead of under the sink. Yes, this happened. Yesterday. I found it this morning when I was looking for the OJ.
I've recently decided to re-open my private practice while continuing both my part-time job at Haymarket Center in Chicago and my full-time gig....MomLife! So, it's no wonder I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment.
So, let's talk about how to manage or cope with stress, because we all feel it to varying degrees at some points in our lives.
The first step is identifying the source of the stress. This isn't always as easy as it sounds. It may be easy to pinpoint major stressors, for example like opening a practice when I already feel busy. However, there are typically other, more insidious causes to your stress such as how your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors contribute. To identify your true sources of stress, look closely at your habits, attitude, and excuses. Do you explain away stress as temporary ("I just have a million things going on right now") even though you can’t remember the last time you took a break? Do you define stress as an normal part of your life (“Things are always crazy around here”) or as a part of your personality (“I have a lot of nervous energy”)? Do you blame your stress on other people or outside events? Until you understand the true causes for your stress and take responsibility for the role you play in creating or maintaining it, you won't feel in control of your stress-level. And, that my friends is the key. Controlling your stress rather than it controlling you!
Let's look at some ways we can better cope.
1.) Avoid unnecessary stress. While it's not healthy to avoid stressful situations that need to be addressed, there are many times in our lives that we can learn to reduce or eliminate unnecessary stress from our lives. Learn how to say "no." Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, taking on more than you can handle is a surefire recipe for stress. Distinguish between the "shoulds" and the "musts" and, when possible, say "no" to taking on too much.
2.) Avoid people who stress you out. I can't highlight this one enough. You don't need a quantity of "friends". You need good quality friends. If someone consistently causes stress in your life, limit the amount of time you spend with that person, or end the relationship. Take control of your environment. If current events make you anxious, turn off the news. If crowds makes you tense, say no to the bar scene and have a few friends over to your home instead. If social media is making you feel negative after perusing online, take a break from it or limit the time you are on.
3.) Alter the situation. If you can't avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate your needs to others and generally function in your daily life. Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. Be willing to compromise with the important people in your life. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you'll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground. Create a balanced schedule. All work and no play makes "Jack a dull boy", and is a recipe for total burnout. Try to find a balance between work, family life, social activities, solo activities, and downtime.
4.) Adapt to the stressor. If you really can't change the stressor, change yourself. You can adapt to stressful situations and regain a sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude. Reframe problems and try to get a "big picture perspective" of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
5.) Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable and realistic standards for yourself and others. Accept the things you can't change. Some sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors such as the death of a loved one or a serious illness. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance can be difficult and take time, but in the long run, it’s easier than digging your heels in against a situation you can’t change. Don't try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control—particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems. Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negative energy by forgiving and moving on. Share your feelings. Expressing what you’re going through can be very cathartic, even if there’s nothing you can do to alter the stressful situation. Talk to a trusted friend or make an appointment with a therapist.
Now, think about how you are currently coping with stress. Is it healthy? Unhealthy ways of coping tend to exacerbate the problem and in turn increase your stress levels. The following is a brief list of some unhealthy coping mechanisms:
Smoking
Using pills or drugs to relax
Drinking too much
Withdrawing from friends, family, and activities
Bingeing on junk or comfort food
Procrastinating
Zoning out for hours looking at your phone
Filling up every minute of the day to avoid facing problems
Sleeping too much
Taking out your stress on others
Let's work on adopting new, healthier ways of coping and "self-care". The more you follow me, the more you will learn that I am a huge advocate for exercise and the benefits it has on overall mental and emotional health. So, get moving!! When you’re stressed, the last thing you probably feel like doing is getting up and exercising. But physical activity is a huge stress reliever. Exercise releases endorphins that make you feel good, and it can also serve as a valuable distraction from your daily worries. Even if you aren't ready to buy that gym membership or sign up for a marathon, here is a simple list of ways that you can incorporate activity into your daily life:
Put on music and dance
Take your dog for a walk
Walk or cycle to the grocery store
Use the stairs at home or work rather than an elevator
Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot and walk the rest of the way
Pair up with an exercise partner and encourage each other as you work out.
Get active with your kids
Connection. There really is nothing better than spending quality time with someone who makes you feel good. Laughing is a natural high! In fact, face-to-face interaction triggers a cascade of hormones that counteract the body’s defensive “fight-or-flight” response. It’s nature’s natural stress reliever. As an added bonus, it also helps stave off depression and anxiety. So make it a point to connect regularly—and in person—with family and friends.
Sometimes people find it hard to build and nurture relationships. Here are a few basic tips for building relationships
Reach out to a colleague at work
Help someone else by volunteering
Have lunch or coffee with a friend
Ask a loved one to check in with you regularly, or check in with them.
Invite or accompany someone to the movies or a concert
Call or email an old friend
Go for a walk with a workout buddy
Schedule a weekly dinner date
Meet new people by taking a class or joining a club.
Are you scheduling enough "me time", or do you feel guilty when you do? You can actually reduce stress in your life by carving out time for yourself. Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and the "shoulds" in your life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you’ll be in a better place to handle life’s stressors. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries. Try to do something you enjoy every day, even if it's just a hot cup of coffee. Sometimes, it really is just the little things that make us feel happy. And, don't forget humor. "Laughter is the best medicine", right? Keep your sense of humor. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.
When all else fails and you are "having a moment", stop, breathe, and purposefully take a second to collect yourself. What do you need to do to de-escalate in this very moment? Here is a list of ideas that might work:
Go for a quick walk
Get outside
Call a good friend
Sweat out tension with a workout
Write in your journal
Take a bath
Light scented candles
Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea
Play with a pet
Work in your garden
Doodle or draw
Read a chapter in a book
Listen to music
Watch a comedy
Try mindfiulness
We've all heard the buzz word, "time-management", but how many of us are actually practicing it? Over-scheduling, racing, and running around can cause a lot of stress. In your attempts to fit everything in, when you are stretched too thin, you'll most likely just cut out the healthy coping skills and self-care tools we discussed earlier, rather than the responsibilities you've loaded your schedule with . This tends to be my personal downfall. Thankfully, I have a few good people in my life that help me keep this in check. There are things you can do to achieve a healthier work-life balance. Don't over-commit yourself. Avoid scheduling things back-to-back or trying to fit too much into one day. Be realistic about how long things will take.
I'm a fan of lists. Doesn't it feel good to cross things off? Make a list of tasks you have to do, prioritize them, and tackle them in order of importance. If you have something particularly unpleasant or stressful to do, get it over with! Do it early. The rest of your day will be more pleasant as a result. Sometimes big projects can seem overwhelming. If this is the case, break projects into small steps by making a step-by-step plan. Focus on one manageable step at a time, rather than taking on everything at once.
Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones who can do the task the right way. While this may be the case in some instances, it's oftentimes just not the truth. Adjusting your expectations from perfectionistic standards to perhaps more manageable ones, will allow you to better rely on others. Delegate. Delegate. Delegate! You don’t have to do it all yourself, whether at home, school, or on the job. If other people can take care of the task, why not let them? Let go of the desire to control or oversee every little step. You’ll be letting go of unnecessary stress in the process.
In addition to advocating for exercise, I am a huge proponent at looking at how diet and nutrition affect our emotional health. You are what you eat! Eat a healthy diet! Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day. Cut out processed foods and eat real, wholesome foods. Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you’ll feel more relaxed and you’ll sleep better. Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.
Lastly, get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired can increase your stress by making you feel irritable and less able to handle the kinks that will inevitably come your way. Different people need different amounts of sleep. However, most people generally thrive on 6-8 hours per night. If you are having troubles, take a look at your "sleep hygiene". Sleep hygiene is how you take care of and maintain your sleep patterns. How many hours are you getting? You should be going to sleep and waking generally at the same times most days. Eliminating anxiety provoking activities (i.e. a violent movie, political rants on FaceBook, or an emotionally intense novel) an hour before bedtime can be helpful. Reducing caffeine and alcohol before bed can also help one get better rest. "Unplugging" an hour before bed can also be beneficial. Have an evening routine that is generally the same most nights. For example, a bath or shower, a cup of tea, or preparing items for the next day are some things that can easily become part of one's evening routine. This routine can help alert and prepare the brain and body that it is time to rest.
References:
Helpguide.org: Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Robert Segal, M.A.