October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Let's Learn.
Domestic violence (DV) is a topic that is significantly important to me, both personally and professionally. I grew up as a child witness to Domestic Violence. For 12 years of my life, violence in my home was the "abnormal norm". The effects of this type of trauma literally change a person's brain chemistry, or in my case as a young kid, develop the growing brain's connectivity in particular ways. The effects last a lifetime. It has taken years of therapy and processing my trauma to overcome it and understand how my personality, the good and the bad, is in some ways a product of those experiences. Because this topic is so near and dear to me, it has become a specialty area in my work. Therefore, I couldn't let this month escape without highlighting DV and bringing about some general awareness.
Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) evolved from the "Day of Unity" held in October 1981 and conceived by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The intent was to connect advocates across the nation who were working to end violence against women and their children. The Day of Unity soon became an entire week devoted to a range of activities conducted at the local, state, and national level. The activities conducted were as varied and diverse as the program sponsors but, had common themes: mourning those who have died because of domestic violence, celebrating those who have survived, and connecting those who work to end violence.
In October 1987, the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month was observed. That same year marks the initiation of the first national domestic violence toll-free hotline. In 1989, the U.S. Congress passed Public Law 101-112 designating October of that year as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Such legislation has passed every year since with National Coalition Against Domestic Violence providing key leadership in this effort. Each year, the Day of Unity is celebrated the first Monday of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
The statistics on Domestic Violence are staggering:
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
1 in 10 women in the United States will be raped by an intimate partner in her lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
Approximately 16.9% of women and 8.0% of men will experience sexual violence other than rape by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
Data on sexual violence against men may be underreported.
An estimated 9.7% of women and 2.3% of men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
Nearly half of all women and men in the United States will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
Over half of female and male victims of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner experienced some form of intimate partner violence for the first time before 25 years of age. (CDC, 2010)
4,774,000 women experience physical violence by an intimate partner every year.
3 women are murdered every day by an intimate partner.
Domestic Violence is the 3rd leading cause of homelessness among families in the US.
Every year, 2 million injuries are reported as a result of partner violence.
Domestic Violence Experienced by Race/Ethnicity
Almost half (47.5%) of American Indian/Alaska Native women, 45.1% of non-Hispanic Black women, 37.3% of non-Hispanic White women, 34.4% of Hispanic women, and 18.3% of Asian-Pacific Islander women experience contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
Domestic Violence and Sexual Orientation
2 in 5 lesbian women, 3 in 5 bisexual women, and 1 in 3 heterosexual women will experience rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
1 in 4 gay men, 1 in 3 bisexual men, and 3 in 10 heterosexual men will experience rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2010)
What constitutes Domestic Violence?
By definition, domestic violence involves violence or abuse by one person against another in a familial or intimate relationship. Domestic violence is most commonly thought of as intimate partner violence, but can also include violence or abuse from a family member.
The term “intimate partner violence” includes the following acts as inflicted or caused by a current or former intimate partner:
Actual (or threats) of physical violence
Actual (or threats) of sexual violence
Emotional or psychological abuse (e.g., name calling or putdowns, threats to “out” a person’s sexual orientation to family, work or friends)
Stalking (e.g., excessive calls/texts/emails, monitoring daily activities, using technology to track a person’s location)
Financial abuse (e.g., withholding money, ruining credit, stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job)
Intimate partners can include:
Current or former spouses
Boyfriends or girlfriends
Dating partners
Sexual partners
Types of Domestic Violence:
Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.
Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.
Many victims of Domestic Violence tend to minimize their experiences. It is still abuse even if the incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television, or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example. It is still abuse even if the incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you. It is still abuse even if the physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted! It is still abuse even if there has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.
Emotional abuse is a bigger problem than you think. Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused. The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence—leaving you feeling that there’s no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want. You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of emotional abuse are very real, though, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
Economic or financial abuse is a subtle form of emotional abuse. Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
Rigidly controlling your finances
Withholding money or credit cards
Making you account for every penny you spend
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)
Restricting you to an allowance
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
Stealing from you or taking your money
Signs of an abusive relationship:
There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
Self-reflection in your relationship is important.
Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?
Abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice. Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
Abusers are able to control their behavior. In fact, they do it all the time. Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone. Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his or her abusive behavior.
Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
"Normal" behavior – The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
Back to Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out again with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. Again, the abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.
Warning Signs to look for in others:
It is impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness these warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.
People who are being abused may:
Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner
Go along with everything their partner says and does
Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they're doing
Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner
Talk about their partner's temper, jealousy, or possessiveness
People who are being physically abused may:
Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation
Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)
People who are being isolated by their abuser may:
Be restricted from seeing family and friends
Rarely go out in public without their partner
Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car
People who are being abused may:
Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal
Important facts about children and Domestic violence:
Parents or caregivers involved in a violent relationship may think that the fighting does not affect their children. Even children who do not see domestic violence are affected by the conflict in the family. In fact, children may develop serious emotional and behavioral problems.
Symptoms to watch out for in young children include:
Sleep problems including nightmares or bedwetting
Increased aggression
Bullying or being bullied
Isolation
Loss of interest in school, friends or other things they enjoyed in the past
Anxiety or increased fear
Depression
Symptoms to watch out for in adolescents include:
Changes in peer groups
Drug or alcohol abuse
Skipping school
New rebellious or oppositional behavior
Declining grades
Social withdrawal
Depression or anxiety
Loss of interest in school, friends or other things they enjoyed in the past
Help for women:
In the US: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
In Canada: Visit ShelterSafe to find the helpline of a women’s shelter near you.
UK: Call Women’s Aid UK at 0808 2000 247.
Ireland: Call Women’s Aid at 1800 341 900.
Australia: Call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis centers.
Help for men:
In the US and Canada: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
UK: Call the ManKind Initiative at 01823 334244.
Ireland: Call AMEN at 046 902 3710.
Australia: One in Three Campaign